


chasing hope

by parxdoxical



Series: where the lovelight gleams [1]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Greg Casey can kiss my ass, I mean it's really not a big thing in this but still, I wrote this - once more - instead of sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Matthew Casey Needs a Hug, Not Canon Compliant, at least not quite, but what else is new, sevasey if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:53:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28371933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parxdoxical/pseuds/parxdoxical
Summary: Christmas 2001: A young Matt Casey ponders life and what the future will bring, wondering if it will ever get better: an abusive and now-dead father, a mother in prison, a sister who doesn't seem to care about him off to college.Christmas 2019: An older, slightly wiser Matt Casey looks back.
Relationships: Matthew Casey & Kelly Severide, Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Series: where the lovelight gleams [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080767
Comments: 12
Kudos: 31





	chasing hope

**Author's Note:**

> Hello you! 
> 
> This is my second try at writing something for the Chicago Fire fandom, this time about my absolute favourite character in the entire show: Matt Casey. Something about him just makes me want to wrap him up in my arms and hold on tight and never let go again. 
> 
> This is not really a Sevasey fic but there is Sevasey in here if you squint a little. 
> 
> I played around with Casey's age a little, making him a little younger than Jesse Spencer because I really like the idea of him starting the Academy at 18/19 which canon doesn't seem to agree with. So bear with me on that one. 
> 
> The title and most of the quotes are from Alex Blue's wonderful song "Chasing Hope", the first quote is from her song "Too Far", which originally inspired this work. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_"I wonder how my life would be  
if I had grown up by the sea  
and lived a little. _

_I wonder if my heart could grow  
if the only love I'd known  
was all I needed"_

_**Christmas 2001**_

His apartment was small and sparsely furnished. 

The walls were mostly empty, safe a few things he had deemed important enough to take with him from their old home and one or two pictures. Except for those, there was not much Matt Casey had wanted to bring along into this new life. 

He was 18 years old, sitting on the worn-out mattress on his bed, a soft blanket wrapped around his shoulders to ward off the chill that came through the window, brought inside from the cold Chicago winter outside and not quite fought off by the still-malfunctioning heating system. 

He had wanted to see about getting that fixed, but between his graduation looming in the not-so-far-away-anymore future, his part-time job to somehow keep on paying his rent and the ongoing trial that was slowly coming to a close, he simply hadn't found the time. 

He was 18 years old and lonely and shouldn't have to be dealing with all this. 

Right now, he should be looking forward to Christmas, steadily approaching and impossible to ignore with the blinding Christmas decorations everyone in Chicago had seemed to have put up by now. 

Instead, Matt sat on his bed with his head hung down low and his arms wrapped around himself in a poor imitation of a hug. It wasn't like it did him any good. 

There was a picture frame lying next to him on the bed, depicting a younger, happier Matthew Casey with his sister, Christie, and their father, Gregory. The picture was old: Matt couldn't have been more than maybe eight or nine years, his sister just a little older. Their father's hands were wrapped around their shoulders and there was a broad smile on his lips. 

This picture was from before the alcohol, from before the yelling and hitting and getting angry at Matt when he brought home something that wasn't an A. This picture was from before his mother had taken the gun and driven to their father's house and put a bullet in his head. 

This picture was from when they had still been a family. 

Matt wasn't sure why he had taken this picture, wasn't even sure why it still existed in the first place. The Casey's hadn't been a family in a long time and part of him wanted to scream at himself for trying to cling to something, a shadow, a ghost, of what they used to be. 

But Matt had already screamed enough. 

At his mother, at his sister, at his father's grave, at his own reflection. 

He had punched a hole in his wall, before figuring out how to fix it again himself, a strangely therapeutic task, before wrapping his bleeding knuckles with enough gauze to lessen the impact of the next blow that was sure to come as well. 

He had cried, before his mother in her olive prison suit, on his knees in front of his father's grave, in his sister's arms before she had not-so-gently pushed him away and told him to keep his chin up and keep it together. 

He was 18. 

He shouldn't have to keep it together. 

He was only a kid. 

His knuckles ached and so did his heart, a dull pain that tore through his body and soul to equal parts. 

It had been only yesterday that he had contemplated running away. It had put a temporary smile onto his lips, derision at his own naivety, because where could he run to? His parents had both been an only child each, there were no grandparents or distant relatives somewhere that could take him in. 

Christie was off in New York, off to college, off without him and she wouldn't take him in. Not that he'd want her to. 

It wasn't the first time he had thought about running away. 

Sometimes, he had wondered. Who would he be today, had he not grown up the way he had? Who would he be, had he known true, unconditional love, the kind he had seen in films and read about in books and had yearned to know for himself? 

Who would he be, had he run far, far away? 

Matt had wondered, if he'd find happiness there. 

But that dream and that wonder seemed far away now, as he wrapped the blanket around himself a little tighter, swept the picture frame off the bed and didn't bother watching where it skittered to a halt.  
That dream and wonder was too far now. 

_"so I'll climb up the highest mountain  
so I will know_

_that I'm not what they thought they wanted  
I'm so much more_

_one step at a time  
I'm chasing hope"_

_**Christmas 2019**_

The roof of the firehouse was windy and empty and cold and Matt Casey sat on the edge with his feet dangling down, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. There was a cigar between his fingers but it was untouched, unlit, unsmoked. 

Matt took a deep breath of the icy cold air and adjusted his woolen Truck 81 hat to keep his ears warm. 

Underneath him, he knew, Gallo was cooking Christmas dinner with Cruz, Mouch and Herrmann criticizing his every move and decision. He could practically hear the Squad guys that had taken to huddling into the common room with everyone else now that the apparatus floor grew too cold for them to occupy their table. He knew that Brett and Foster were singing Christmas so loudly and, in Foster's case, so off-key, that it was impossible to get any work done. 

Not that anyone would be trying to work. It was Christmas after all. 

Matt blew out a cloud of white air and let his gaze linger on the bright lights of the city in front of him. 

So much had happened since that Christmas he had spent alone and huddled into a blanket in his small, sparsely-furnished apartment, just like he had spent all the days leading up to it and the ones following it. 

On some days, Matt felt every single day of the 18 years it had been since then. 

On others, he still felt like that 18 year old boy. 

It was why he found himself on top of 51's roof almost every single Christmas, making sure to be on shift on most of them to not feel the suffocating emptiness of his apartment. 

There had been some he hadn't spent up there, of course. 

Those first years of living with Kelly and Andy, during the Academy and then while they had all been candidates, they had spent Christmas together. It had been chaotic and hectic and involved more than one burnt Christmas dish but it had been theirs. 

Then Andy had moved in with Heather, and Kelly had found Renee, and Matt, although he'd had Hallie, to some extent, had found himself taking the Christmas shift and sitting on the roof of 51, smoking a cigar, huddled in a soft blanket again. 

There had been that one spent with Kelly alone, the year after Andy had died, when they had only just mended their relationship - neither having the courage to call it a friendship - and they had both been alone and - worst of all - lonely, craving the other's presence. 

There had been those spent with Gabby, three in total, before she left and the second shift was scheduled for Christmas anyway and nobody could say he was running from shadows when he threw himself into work even more than before. 

And now here he was again: the blanket around his shoulders was old and worn out and the cigar between his fingers remained unlit and Matt wondered, as was customary for him on Christmas Day. 

"What are you doing up here?" 

Kelly's voice rang through the cold air behind him, startling Matt out of his thoughts. He should have known that his absence would be noticed more quickly by now. He shrugged and Kelly settled onto the cold rooftop next to him, rubbing his bare hands against each other to warm them up a little. 

"Thinking." 

Kelly raised his eyebrows. "Uh oh, do I need to worry? Get the extinguishers?" 

Matt snorted and elbowed him in the side before he sagged in on himself again. They were silent for a moment before Matt spoke. 

"I was just wondering ..." he trailed off for a second and Kelly didn't push. Kelly knew better than to push. Matt swallowed and gave his friend a wan smile. "I was just wondering about where I'd be right now if I had taken a different route. At any point of my life, I guess." 

"Do you regret it, then?" Kelly asked, and the sincerity in his voice almost startled Matt who only shook his head. "I'd get it, you know. You haven't had it particularly easy." 

But Matt looked at Kelly and nudged his shoulder gently. They looked at each other for a while before Matt reached out and took Kelly's hand into his own. 

"I couldn't regret a thing for all the good it brought me as well." 

Kelly smiled slightly and squeezed his hand before they let go of each other again. They sat up there in silence for a little while longer until Kelly sighed and moved to stand up. 

"Come on. Candidate's almost got dinner done and you look like you could use some warmth." 

Matt waved his concern off. "I'll be down in a second. You can start without me." He should have known that wouldn't work with Kelly. 

He only stood next to him, staring at him pointedly and holding out his hand. 

_"Matt."_

Matt ignored him for a second before he sighed and pocketed his cigar again. The blanket still wrapped around his shoulders, he got up from his perch on the edge of the roof and accepted Kelly's outstretched hand. 

_"and my lungs are working harder_

_and this road is getting longer_

_but my God, how wonderful it is to breathe"_


End file.
